Ants in my Pants

"Everybody has stuff."

During one of the older-sisterly sermons that I frequently give on car rides with my siblings, I mentioned the above phrase to my sister. I am definitely a sermon-givin' kind of girl; though I'm not sure if my siblings think my advice is useful, I usually offer it anyways (oldest child syndrome at its finest). The irony of my "sermons" is that I rarely heed my own advice. It's a lot easier to tell people how they should live their lives, than it is to change my own behavior. All this to say, when I told my sister that "Everybody has stuff," I didn't include myself in the "everybody." What a hypocrite; I know! However, recently, I've been reflecting on that phrase and have realized that I don't just have stuff, I have LOTS and LOTS of stuff.

I could probably type and type and type and type (ok, you get the idea) about all the ways that my character flaws, insecurities, circumstances, attitudes, and relationships keep me from living a life like Jesus. Maybe I will touch on a lot of those as I continue to write this blog, for now, though, I thought I'd share a little bit about the prevailing "stuff" that I keep having to lay before the Lord. Who knows, maybe it'll be of some encouragement to those of you who are struggling with the same thing?

When you read the title of the post, a perplexed frown may have crept across your face. Ants? In her pants? Has she officially lost it? Or maybe you're more a member of the group who readily recognizes metaphoric language? Indeed, I do not have literal ants crawling in my britches, rather the metaphoric kind which are as equally distracting; let me just tell you.

If you follow this blog, then you already know one reason why I'm antsy. In short, I have a broken heart for orphans and the oppressed, and the desire to up and leave right now to help them. For the long version, just check out the previous posts on the blog. While certainly my desire to go to the mission field right now causes me to doubt God's timing and to not trust Him, there's still more "stuff" that causes the same exact thing.

For my entire life, I feel like I've just been rushing, rushing on to the next thing. When I was in middle school, all I wanted was to be in high school. When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was be in college. Now that I'm in college, all I want is to be done, "grown up" and on the mission field. Even in small things, I'm hopelessly impatient. I want things done in MY time (which I'm sure God laughs about considering I have not even the most meager ownership over time). My mom used to tell me I was like an elderly person (no offense if you read this and consider yourself elderly); that I couldn't handle changing plans and never wanted to wait.

Ok, so recognizing I have a problem trusting in the Lord is all well and good, but the flaw isn't going to fix itself. I can't just admit to being hopelessly impatient, and then do nothing about it. Taking action to fix it on my own isn't going to do much good, though. Thank goodness God has offered and continues to offer plenty of resources to combat those nasty little ants crawling in my pants. Right in the heart of wishing my college days away, God planned my devotional to be about waiting on the Lord. He gave me verse after verse after verse about waiting on Him. He reminded me of the NUMEROUS opportunities this college stage of life has to offer.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't leave us to fix our "stuff" on our own. When we refuse to ignore our problems and call out to our Abba Father for help, He will never leave us hanging, not ever. Yep, God's pretty awesome like that :)

So if you have ants in your pants too, check out these verses. Remember that by focusing your attention on God and being willing to let Him change your impatience into gratitude, those pesky ants will surely be exterminated.

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord."

Psalm 37:7

"Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him; do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way, by the man who carries out evil plans."

Philippians 4:19

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Not Even Jesus-super Heroes Get Extra Points

Heartache doesn't fix itself in hours; after days, it still quietly burns, a dull ache that flares up when the pictures on the desk catch your eye. So, if it's going to be there, then I have a couple options.

#1: I can wallow in pity. I can lament to God that He broke my heart in the wrong season of life. I can pray and wish that these next four years go by lightning fast.

OR

#2: I can recognize this time of my life for what it is--a time of preparation.

Maybe God needs me to mature a little more, maybe He needs to grow my leadership skills, or to teach me how to better handle adversity. I'm not going to pretend that I know all of the lessons God needs to teach me still, but, then again, would it be a time of growing if I did? I have to let Him prepare me. I have to be willing to submit to His sovereign plans, not be so easily bent by my fickle human whims and impatience.

What's more, God hasn't placed me in an empty desert with no one to share His love with. A.J. has mentioned to me, "There are people in America who need help too; even America has orphans." He always gives me a good perspective check :)

Pridefully and wrongfully, I had gotten the idea in my head that sharing Jesus' love gives "extra-points" if it's done overseas. As difficult for this is for me to admit, I think a part of me just wanted to be a "Jesus-super hero" like Katie. I thought that my calling was to overseas medical missions with orphans (which I still think is, just not in this season of life). For this moment, my job is to love the people God puts around me, right here. I can be a Jesus-super hero here, for God's glory, not mine.

All this doesn't necessarily mean that the waiting has gotten way easier; like I said earlier, heartache doesn't go away in hours, days, or months. Trust me, I'm living it, but I can get rid of my pitiful lament of the last blog post, and swap it for a new prayer:

"Abba Father, thank you for this time of waiting. I know You have placed a heavy burden on my heart for orphans and the oppressed, but I also know You've given me a time to pour into some lives right where I am. I'm ready and willing for You to grow me in this season of life. I pray that I'll willingly accept this growth."

Profile of the Heartsick

I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like I can't wait anymore, not when there are millions of orphans who feel lost, abandoned, and worthless; when millions of God's precious children have never heard the words "I love you" or felt the warm embrace of a parent.

I'm so overwhelmed. Jesus, comfort my soul; give me strength to wait patiently for yourdirection. I'm heart sick for your children, and I don't know how to help. I don't want to helplessly cry anymore. The faces just keep popping up in my head: Joseph, Rose, Mary, Lillian, countless others. Send me anywhere. I'll do it, something, anything. Just, please, no more waiting.

A "Woah-God" moment

Today was a woah-God day; in case you're not aware of what a woah-God day is, let me enlighten you. It's a day when God does something so incredibly amazing that all you can stop and do is say "woah, God!" A very complex definition, I know.

Well, since you are all on your toes wondering what on earth my woah-God moment was, I'll tell you. First, a little explanation. A.J. (that's mah boyfriend in case you didn't know) and I had decided that we wanted to jointly sponsor an orphan (which pays for a child's basic needs including school supplies). This past weekend, we sat down and figured out from what country, which child, etc, etc. We decided to sponsor one of the kids that lives at Fiwagoh, one of the orphanages I visited in July. After deciding which orphanage, we then had to decide which child. It was weird having to "choose" a child; I felt bad that someone would get a sponsor, but another wouldn't, just based on our rudimentary decision. Nonetheless, we read a few of the kids bios, and eventually came upon Joseph's. When we read his story, we just looked at each other and knew that he was the one.

Here's where the woah-God moment came in, well, not exactly when we chose Joseph, but days later when the woman who organizes the sponsorship program for Fiwagoh sent us an email, confirming we could sponsor Joseph. Unbeknownst to A.J. and I, Lena, the woman who runs the program, was actually at Fiwagoh when she received our email. In an email that we received today, she said:

"Thank you so much for your interest in Joseph. I read your email Sunday morning before leaving the Orphanage. I went straight to Joseph and told him that he had got a sponsor. He was the most happy boy. You should have seen him. Praise God. That boy already told me that he is looking for a sponsor with a great and wide love. I could hardly comprehend how good God was to him to let him get a sponsor even before I left the orphanage. May God really bless you for your care for him."

Did you just say "Woah, God?" in your head? 'cause I did, again, and I've already read the email about ten times! No one could ever say to me that God does not have sovereign plans; He KNEW we would choose Joseph. I'm so thrilled for the opportunity to get to know him via letter correspondence, and for the chance to bless someone else's life with the great abundance of wealth I've been given.

Day 13/14: Empty Lacrimal Glands

Pardon my extensive delay in posting about the last day of our trip...I've been trying to get this whole "college-thing" figured out (don't you worry I'll post about that later)...

Our last day in Africa was a day of many emotions and a general physical weariness. We woke up quite early, ate breakfast, and then assembled for one last short worship session. We had already packed up our bags the night before, so all that was left to do was so goodbye. Having already had one experience saying goodbye, we realized some "flaws" in our system. The first time, we spent a long, and I mean long, time giving hugs and talking to the kids we had spent a lot of time with; the problem with that was that some of the more shy kids didn't get any hugs goodbye. They just kind of hung around the edges of our group. So, when we went to say goodbye for "real," we lined all 180 of our precious friends up in a single file line, and all 22 of us give each child a hug. No one was left out.

As many times as you've seen the words, "my heart was broken" in this blog; I'm going to say it again, because my heart got its final blow as we said goodbye to our brothers and sisters at Fiwagoh.

Because I'm a smarty-pants college student now (haha, yeah right!), I can use fancy-dancy words like lacrimal glands (note the title of this post if you're confused) when I could have just as easily said "Empty Tear Ducts." My new anatomical knowledge aside, getting on that bus was so hard. My lacrimal glands released tear after tear, until I didn't have anything left. I didn't want to leave those sweet children. not ever. Nonetheless, on to the bus our team went, saying goodbye to our beloved Fiwagoh.

After we left, we began the drive back to Nairobi, stopping along the way to shop a couple of times. As much as I wanted to bring home some more "African memories," I found shopping really difficult that last day. As I mentioned earlier, I was so emotionally and physically drained. Everyone had been passing around a terrible cold, and I was privileged enough to be one of the inflicted. When shopping was over, we went to the airport, said goodbye to Daniel the Driver, and checked in to our flight.

Remember that story about running through the airport in Uganda...yeah, well, not only did I fulfill my dream of running through an airport in Uganda, but I also got to do it in Kenya. You see, our flight to Kenya was delayed by about 2.5 hours. We had to make a connecting flight to Addis Ababa in Ethiopia, which would ultimately bring us back to the U.S. The problem was that this delay was going to make us miss our flight in Addis. We sat in a hot, crowded Kenyan boarding zone for hours, praying fervently that we would make our flight.

Well, we actually didn't make our flight, technically; they attendants in Addis held the flight for about 30 min. for us! God is so good, all the time. We made the flight, and after 17 hrs and a stop in Rome, we were back in the USofA.