Ants in my Pants

"Everybody has stuff."

During one of the older-sisterly sermons that I frequently give on car rides with my siblings, I mentioned the above phrase to my sister. I am definitely a sermon-givin' kind of girl; though I'm not sure if my siblings think my advice is useful, I usually offer it anyways (oldest child syndrome at its finest). The irony of my "sermons" is that I rarely heed my own advice. It's a lot easier to tell people how they should live their lives, than it is to change my own behavior. All this to say, when I told my sister that "Everybody has stuff," I didn't include myself in the "everybody." What a hypocrite; I know! However, recently, I've been reflecting on that phrase and have realized that I don't just have stuff, I have LOTS and LOTS of stuff.

I could probably type and type and type and type (ok, you get the idea) about all the ways that my character flaws, insecurities, circumstances, attitudes, and relationships keep me from living a life like Jesus. Maybe I will touch on a lot of those as I continue to write this blog, for now, though, I thought I'd share a little bit about the prevailing "stuff" that I keep having to lay before the Lord. Who knows, maybe it'll be of some encouragement to those of you who are struggling with the same thing?

When you read the title of the post, a perplexed frown may have crept across your face. Ants? In her pants? Has she officially lost it? Or maybe you're more a member of the group who readily recognizes metaphoric language? Indeed, I do not have literal ants crawling in my britches, rather the metaphoric kind which are as equally distracting; let me just tell you.

If you follow this blog, then you already know one reason why I'm antsy. In short, I have a broken heart for orphans and the oppressed, and the desire to up and leave right now to help them. For the long version, just check out the previous posts on the blog. While certainly my desire to go to the mission field right now causes me to doubt God's timing and to not trust Him, there's still more "stuff" that causes the same exact thing.

For my entire life, I feel like I've just been rushing, rushing on to the next thing. When I was in middle school, all I wanted was to be in high school. When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was be in college. Now that I'm in college, all I want is to be done, "grown up" and on the mission field. Even in small things, I'm hopelessly impatient. I want things done in MY time (which I'm sure God laughs about considering I have not even the most meager ownership over time). My mom used to tell me I was like an elderly person (no offense if you read this and consider yourself elderly); that I couldn't handle changing plans and never wanted to wait.

Ok, so recognizing I have a problem trusting in the Lord is all well and good, but the flaw isn't going to fix itself. I can't just admit to being hopelessly impatient, and then do nothing about it. Taking action to fix it on my own isn't going to do much good, though. Thank goodness God has offered and continues to offer plenty of resources to combat those nasty little ants crawling in my pants. Right in the heart of wishing my college days away, God planned my devotional to be about waiting on the Lord. He gave me verse after verse after verse about waiting on Him. He reminded me of the NUMEROUS opportunities this college stage of life has to offer.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't leave us to fix our "stuff" on our own. When we refuse to ignore our problems and call out to our Abba Father for help, He will never leave us hanging, not ever. Yep, God's pretty awesome like that :)

So if you have ants in your pants too, check out these verses. Remember that by focusing your attention on God and being willing to let Him change your impatience into gratitude, those pesky ants will surely be exterminated.

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord."

Psalm 37:7

"Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him; do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way, by the man who carries out evil plans."

Philippians 4:19

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Not Even Jesus-super Heroes Get Extra Points

Heartache doesn't fix itself in hours; after days, it still quietly burns, a dull ache that flares up when the pictures on the desk catch your eye. So, if it's going to be there, then I have a couple options.

#1: I can wallow in pity. I can lament to God that He broke my heart in the wrong season of life. I can pray and wish that these next four years go by lightning fast.

OR

#2: I can recognize this time of my life for what it is--a time of preparation.

Maybe God needs me to mature a little more, maybe He needs to grow my leadership skills, or to teach me how to better handle adversity. I'm not going to pretend that I know all of the lessons God needs to teach me still, but, then again, would it be a time of growing if I did? I have to let Him prepare me. I have to be willing to submit to His sovereign plans, not be so easily bent by my fickle human whims and impatience.

What's more, God hasn't placed me in an empty desert with no one to share His love with. A.J. has mentioned to me, "There are people in America who need help too; even America has orphans." He always gives me a good perspective check :)

Pridefully and wrongfully, I had gotten the idea in my head that sharing Jesus' love gives "extra-points" if it's done overseas. As difficult for this is for me to admit, I think a part of me just wanted to be a "Jesus-super hero" like Katie. I thought that my calling was to overseas medical missions with orphans (which I still think is, just not in this season of life). For this moment, my job is to love the people God puts around me, right here. I can be a Jesus-super hero here, for God's glory, not mine.

All this doesn't necessarily mean that the waiting has gotten way easier; like I said earlier, heartache doesn't go away in hours, days, or months. Trust me, I'm living it, but I can get rid of my pitiful lament of the last blog post, and swap it for a new prayer:

"Abba Father, thank you for this time of waiting. I know You have placed a heavy burden on my heart for orphans and the oppressed, but I also know You've given me a time to pour into some lives right where I am. I'm ready and willing for You to grow me in this season of life. I pray that I'll willingly accept this growth."

Profile of the Heartsick

I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like I can't wait anymore, not when there are millions of orphans who feel lost, abandoned, and worthless; when millions of God's precious children have never heard the words "I love you" or felt the warm embrace of a parent.

I'm so overwhelmed. Jesus, comfort my soul; give me strength to wait patiently for yourdirection. I'm heart sick for your children, and I don't know how to help. I don't want to helplessly cry anymore. The faces just keep popping up in my head: Joseph, Rose, Mary, Lillian, countless others. Send me anywhere. I'll do it, something, anything. Just, please, no more waiting.

A "Woah-God" moment

Today was a woah-God day; in case you're not aware of what a woah-God day is, let me enlighten you. It's a day when God does something so incredibly amazing that all you can stop and do is say "woah, God!" A very complex definition, I know.

Well, since you are all on your toes wondering what on earth my woah-God moment was, I'll tell you. First, a little explanation. A.J. (that's mah boyfriend in case you didn't know) and I had decided that we wanted to jointly sponsor an orphan (which pays for a child's basic needs including school supplies). This past weekend, we sat down and figured out from what country, which child, etc, etc. We decided to sponsor one of the kids that lives at Fiwagoh, one of the orphanages I visited in July. After deciding which orphanage, we then had to decide which child. It was weird having to "choose" a child; I felt bad that someone would get a sponsor, but another wouldn't, just based on our rudimentary decision. Nonetheless, we read a few of the kids bios, and eventually came upon Joseph's. When we read his story, we just looked at each other and knew that he was the one.

Here's where the woah-God moment came in, well, not exactly when we chose Joseph, but days later when the woman who organizes the sponsorship program for Fiwagoh sent us an email, confirming we could sponsor Joseph. Unbeknownst to A.J. and I, Lena, the woman who runs the program, was actually at Fiwagoh when she received our email. In an email that we received today, she said:

"Thank you so much for your interest in Joseph. I read your email Sunday morning before leaving the Orphanage. I went straight to Joseph and told him that he had got a sponsor. He was the most happy boy. You should have seen him. Praise God. That boy already told me that he is looking for a sponsor with a great and wide love. I could hardly comprehend how good God was to him to let him get a sponsor even before I left the orphanage. May God really bless you for your care for him."

Did you just say "Woah, God?" in your head? 'cause I did, again, and I've already read the email about ten times! No one could ever say to me that God does not have sovereign plans; He KNEW we would choose Joseph. I'm so thrilled for the opportunity to get to know him via letter correspondence, and for the chance to bless someone else's life with the great abundance of wealth I've been given.

Day 13/14: Empty Lacrimal Glands

Pardon my extensive delay in posting about the last day of our trip...I've been trying to get this whole "college-thing" figured out (don't you worry I'll post about that later)...

Our last day in Africa was a day of many emotions and a general physical weariness. We woke up quite early, ate breakfast, and then assembled for one last short worship session. We had already packed up our bags the night before, so all that was left to do was so goodbye. Having already had one experience saying goodbye, we realized some "flaws" in our system. The first time, we spent a long, and I mean long, time giving hugs and talking to the kids we had spent a lot of time with; the problem with that was that some of the more shy kids didn't get any hugs goodbye. They just kind of hung around the edges of our group. So, when we went to say goodbye for "real," we lined all 180 of our precious friends up in a single file line, and all 22 of us give each child a hug. No one was left out.

As many times as you've seen the words, "my heart was broken" in this blog; I'm going to say it again, because my heart got its final blow as we said goodbye to our brothers and sisters at Fiwagoh.

Because I'm a smarty-pants college student now (haha, yeah right!), I can use fancy-dancy words like lacrimal glands (note the title of this post if you're confused) when I could have just as easily said "Empty Tear Ducts." My new anatomical knowledge aside, getting on that bus was so hard. My lacrimal glands released tear after tear, until I didn't have anything left. I didn't want to leave those sweet children. not ever. Nonetheless, on to the bus our team went, saying goodbye to our beloved Fiwagoh.

After we left, we began the drive back to Nairobi, stopping along the way to shop a couple of times. As much as I wanted to bring home some more "African memories," I found shopping really difficult that last day. As I mentioned earlier, I was so emotionally and physically drained. Everyone had been passing around a terrible cold, and I was privileged enough to be one of the inflicted. When shopping was over, we went to the airport, said goodbye to Daniel the Driver, and checked in to our flight.

Remember that story about running through the airport in Uganda...yeah, well, not only did I fulfill my dream of running through an airport in Uganda, but I also got to do it in Kenya. You see, our flight to Kenya was delayed by about 2.5 hours. We had to make a connecting flight to Addis Ababa in Ethiopia, which would ultimately bring us back to the U.S. The problem was that this delay was going to make us miss our flight in Addis. We sat in a hot, crowded Kenyan boarding zone for hours, praying fervently that we would make our flight.

Well, we actually didn't make our flight, technically; they attendants in Addis held the flight for about 30 min. for us! God is so good, all the time. We made the flight, and after 17 hrs and a stop in Rome, we were back in the USofA.

Day 12: Pity for the "Self-sufficient"

Since we came somewhat unannounced, on day 12 the kids at Fiwagoh still had to go to school, but only until one o'clock. Although I was kind of sad that we weren't going to be able to interact with them as much, we got to serve the workers at Fiwagoh by helping them with their Sabbath preparations. Pastor Benson leads his family in honoring the Sabbath by doing NO work on Saturdays at all; therefore, the kids and workers do all the prep work for Saturdays on Friday. There were many, many things that needed to be done that day, so instead of just moping around because we couldn't spend time with the kids, we helped the workers prepare for Sabbath. I was able to help wash windows in the dining hall and the girls' dorm, as well as make the younger girls' beds.

After finishing those two projects, one of the workers asked me to help her shine the kids' shoes; all of the Kenyan dirt wears the shoes out faster, so they shine them once a day in order to make the shoes last longer.

The Shoe-shining Brigade

180 pairs of shoes...I'm changing my major to shoe-shining.

As we were shining shoes, I got to talking with a couple members of the staff. One woman was describing her dreams to come to America. She said, "Help me find an American man!" We chuckled. She continued to explain how she would work very hard if she had the opportunity to come to America. Everything she said about our country was full of admiration. Jenny thoughtfully mentioned that not everyone in America works hard, in fact, there are many lazy people in our country. Furthermore, people in America feel that they can be self-sufficient, with no need for the mighty hand of the Father. This women looked up at us and said in a firm voice, "Oh, well then I pity them."

Indeed, this pity is well-deserved; we so often say, "God, I got this. I don't need You. I have everything I need. Let me do it by myself." We so ignorantly ignore the God of the universe, thinking that our feeble human efforts are enough to fix our brokenness. We turn to everything else to fill the God-sized holes in our hearts saying things like, "Well, if I get in to that college, then I'll be happy. If I can marry that guy, I will surely feel valuable. If I make this much money, all my problems will go away. If I lose just a little more weight, then I'll feel better about myself." Take my own life as an example...we cannot fix ourselves. I have tried filling myself with the approval of others, with a relationship, and with my weight, none of it worked, not even a little bit. Instead, these things of the world left me more empty then I was to begin with. Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to agree with my Kenyan friend. I pity America, not in a self-righteous way, because I too have succumbed to its pressures and the message of self-sufficiency that it preaches. Since God has begun such a transforming work in my life, showing me that He is the only thing that can fill me up, I want to stand on a rooftop and tell the whole world about God's heart-filling Presence. I want everyone to find peace in God's all-sufficient grace, because it will always be enough.

I'm so thankful that God gave us the opportunity to help these ladies with their work; they were even able to get a half day off because of the amount of helping hands God gave them. Since the kids didn't have school in the afternoon, and since most of the chores were already done, we had time to do one more lesson with them. We broke into small groups and taught the story of Joseph, and yet another time God pushed me out of my comfort zone, because I ended up teaching the lesson! Generally, when I get up to speak in front of a group without having extensively prepared, my words get all jumbled up and things don't necessarily come out clearly. God totally equipped me to give the Joseph lesson, though! We even had a time when the kids shared parts of their testimonies with us.

After the lesson, we had worship, which was a tad different than it had been the other times. We had gotten so close to many of the kids, that it didn't really seem right to sit in our own little "section" of the dining hall, completely set apart from the kids, so we went and sat amongst them for the message. With little Mary (not the Mary who wants to be a nurse) on my lap and Lillian right by my side, holding my hand, I listened to a 14 yr. old preach the Word of God like a seasoned pastor. How could I not marvel at God's glory with two of His precious daughters in my lap and one of His sons preaching His Word so emphatically??

Day 11's goodnight to the kids was quite difficult, knowing that we had to say the "real" goodbye in the morning :( I could seriously just move back to Fiwagoh and live there forever!

As our departure quickly approached, the kids began writing and hand delivering little notes to us. They would secretly sneak up, place the note in your hand, and then quickly scurry off. Though reading each note left me a weeping mess, I'll cherish these little memories of my Fiwagoh loves.

Day 11: Shrinking Comfort Zone Day

Remember in kindergarten, when you just walked up to the first kid you saw and decided to be friends with them. There wasn't any need to "get to know them," you just simply became friends, no rigamarole necessary. Well, with the kids at Fiwagoh I felt like I was in kindergarten again. As soon as we met, I felt like we had been friends forever! We laughed, shared stories, and learned about one another's lives with not even the slightest hesitance. Isn't it so awesome to watch how God's great power dissolves any man-made boundaries we can create??

Keeping in mind the deep relationships we formed with the kids (even after only being with them for a day), you may be able to understand the heart-breaking nature of saying goodbye to them. We woke up fairly early on day 11, had worship with the kids one "last" time (yes, the last is in quotation marks because I'm putting into practice that fun English lesson about foreshadowing), and then began to say goodbye. It was a LONG process, not because of the 180 kids, but because we just couldn't bear to let go without numerous, numerous bear hugs distributed to our Fiwagoh kiddos. Finally, we were able to get our sobbing selves on the bus, and we pulled away for the "last" time [there goes that fancy foreshadowing again ;) ]

I still don't think my heart has recovered from the final goodbye...It's not something I can adequately describe in words; words like sad don't really seem to do it justice, more like gut-wrenching heartache. I miss them; desperately, desperately miss them. I'm confused because I feel like my time there was so short, but I don't know how/when/if I need to go back. The whole "waiting on the Lord" thing is definitely not easy for me to do.

After crying my eyes out on the bus for awhile, I finally pulled it together, somewhat. I cried out a silent prayer that God would restore my physical and emotional energy so that I would have enough left to show His love to the kids that we were going to visit. I had expected that we would just pull up to the church, run a VBS program, and then head to the hotel for some shut-eye, but God had some quite different plans; He answered, yet another time, my prayer that I would be taken out of my comfort zone.

Here is a little compare and contrast for you...just a small aside before you read it...I do, in fact, realize that some of the things I was uncomfortable with pale in comparison to reality many face on a day to day basis; I know that I'm spoiled rotten, and that many would kill to live the life that I have...all that said, I just wanted to give the honest truth about how God took me out of my comfort zone, and in order to do that I feel like you should see where I am coming from...

Ellie's Comfort Zone vs. Ellie's not-so-comfortable Zone

-The cushy padded toilet seat in my bathroom at home vs. a hole in the ground in a Kenyan outhouse

[Another side note, I actually had a legitimate fear of public restrooms when I was younger, so the whole slanted hole in the ground was not my particular favorite thing, but God totally showed me how spoiled rotten I am through this experience, so I'm thankful for it!]

-GPS(s) vs. Getting lost in the Kenyan mountains

-Driving on paved roads vs. Driving in a mud slide

-Unquestioned safety vs. Potentially dangerous situations

[22 women + 48 bags on the top of a bus + interested city dwellers= not the best situation]

If you have specific questions about the "going-ons" about our day 11 Kenyan adventure, I'd be happy to answer them via another avenue besides blog. Needless to say, we drove 6 hours to a church, stayed for 15 minutes because the rain was creating the "fun" mudslide I mentioned earlier, turned around after seeing our hotel, and drove another 6 hours back to Fiwagoh, because Pastor Benson graciously allowed us to stay another two nights there.

I learned on day 11 that God truly is our Divine Protector. His promises to never leave us or forsake us hold true ALL the time. Day 11 definitely further developed my trust in God and His sovereign control. I like to think that God allowed us to go back to Fiwagoh because He wasn't finished in using us there yet. Pastor Benson told us later that when he told the kids that we were coming back, they all began to cry tears of joy. In some of the letters the kids gave us they said that when they heard we were coming back, they felt as though Jesus had come back. We were soo lucky to have two more days to pour into these sweet children's lives. Also, Pastor Benson refused to allow us to pay for our lodging, so we saved a lot of money that we were supposed to spend on our hotel in a different city. With the money we saved, we were able to buy Fiwagoh some extra supplies they needed, as well as some fruit, which they rarely get. Day 11, as in any other day of our lives, God was good; so, so good!